Thanks to “Twilight,” Kristen Stewart has become the talk of the nation. Tween girls obsess over every detail of her life, while adult males lust after her nubile, young body. But what about the rest of us, who couldn’t give a damn about her? We can’t even be bothered to raise our shoulders to shrug out a “meh.” We don’t get it. There are a few of our reasons why K-Stew isn’t all that. In fact, there are 10.
10. The Stewart Shiver
Anyone that’s seen her roles in movies like “The Messengers,” “Adventureland,” and “Twilight” knows this classic move in Ms. Stewart’s repertoire. In almost every scene, she starts shivering like a puppy in a snowstorm, or Meredith Baxter Birney in a Lifetime movie of the week. Her fans might think it makes her look awkwardly endearing, but we think it makes her look like an epileptic crack head jonesin’ for the rock.
9. The Quirk
We like actresses that lack pretension, that seem down-to-earth and humble. But Kristen Stewart takes it one step further by foregoing humble and going right for cowering timidity. Taking a look at this clip from the MTV Movie Awards, we can see that she looks more nervous on stage than the tiger that ate Roy. After dropping the award, we kept waiting for the flash photography to frighten her into pulling a King Kong on the crowd. Sadly, all she did was convulse around the mic and then scamper off the stage.
8. Why The Long Face?
Maybe it’s her choice of films, but Kristen Stewart seems like the new poster child for cutting. Watching “Twilight,” we can’t buy that a centuries-old vampire would choose to hang out with an eternal downer like Stewart’s Bella Swan. Even for us mortals, it’d be enough to make hours feel like centuries. This kind of emo behavior makes Robert Smith from The Cure look like a master of positive thinking.
Photo found at LA Times.
7. Love On The Rocks
Celeb relationships are always public, with hookups and breakups blowin’ up our media devices. When augmented by the hype of one of the biggest movie franchises of the decade, the love life of our Ms. Stewart had become one of the most annoying romantic sagas of the decade. And the story changes almost every second. She and co-star Robert Pattinson are engaged—no, wait—now he’s leaving her—no, wait—she’s having his baby—now she’s engaged to her own baby and leaving Robert Pattinson! This ongoing mess overwhelms real news like a weed strangles healthy plants.
Photo found at Celeb9.
6. “Twilight” Sucks
Ok, this one technically isn’t her fault, but guilt by association goes a long way. And, boy, is she associated. We can’t drive two blocks in any direction without seeing her face on TV, billboards, magazines and bus stop posters. We close our eyes and see her in our dreams. She’s like Freddy Krueger with boobs and crappier clothes.
Found at SodaHead.
5. Rope-A-Dope
The idea that K-Stew smokes the pot drug isn’t really a strike against her. Some of our favorite things come from creative people hitting the bong every once in a while. It’s reasonable to assume that her love of the sticky-icky is responsible for at least three of the items on this list. It’s for this reason alone we’ve got to tell the Stewmeister to “just say no.”
Found at News of the World.
4. Clothes Horse
Celebrities are usually the height of fashion, but lately they’ve been letting things slide when out in public. Our subject is no exception. A lot of girls borrow their friends’ clothes, but very few of them borrow their boyfriends’ clothes—which is what it appears Kristen’s doing. Would it kill her and her beau to at least give the appearance they wash their hair every once in a while? They look like they’re both card-carrying members of the No Shower Club.
Found at http://kristenstewarts.blogspot.com.
3. Dem Bones
Usually, hot-list actresses start off at a healthy weight, and then pull a “Lohan,” starting to shed the pounds like the villain at the end of “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.” Kristen Stewart has robbed us of enjoying that simple pleasure by already showing up to the party dressed as a dancing skeleton. On the upside for her, if she started doing meth or heroin, no one would ever notice.
Found at E online.
2. Baby Eating
It’s true. We looked it up. Honest.
1. The Unfulfilled Promise
When Kristen Stewart burst onto the scene, critics were comparing her to the young Jodie Foster, but the comparisons really stop there. By the time Jodie Foster was her age, she was nominated for an Oscar for “Taxi Driver.” Sure, “Twilight” is a tween-fueled box office juggernaut (and severely lacking in teen prostitutes), but it’s not going to win more than an MTV Movie or Nickelodeon Teen Choice Award. If she doesn’t graduate up from the kiddie table soon, she can look forward to spending the rest of her career signing autographs at sci-fi/horror conventions next to “Unnamed Quidditch Player #1” from “Harry Potter” and cast members from “Smallville.” Screw the golden popcorn, K-baby, get that golden statue!
Found at Bitten & Bound.
The only thing worse than reading about Kristen Stewart and “Twilight” are these 5 “Twilight” Parody Posters and these 5 Intolerable “Twilight” Musical Parodies On YouTube.
This post was written by Chris Moreno.
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