Having a sex tape leak is a rite of passage for all of today’s celebrities. It’s right up there with speculation that you’re gay and Perez Hilton using MS Paint to draw various substances trickling out of your mouth. Sometimes the sex tapes are hot, like the Pamela Anderson-Tommy Lee one, the Kim Kardashian-Ray J one or even this new Eric Dane-Rebecca Gayheart-Other Random Broad one. (Even though there’s no actual sex, something about two naked, hot, drugged out women just does it for us.) But sometimes… well, sometimes the celebrity sex tapes are just gross. They’re like really, REALLY gross. And we’ve got the worst of them here. Here are 8 Really, Really Unsexy Celebrity Sex Tapes.
8. Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly
At first, people thought this was their wedding video. Turns out, for some reason, Tonya was just wearing a wedding dress Halloween costume. Either way, when you see Tonya naked, white trash hair flowing, all you can think is that, without ice skating, she would’ve spent her entire twenties consistently getting fifth place in motorcycle rally wet T-shirt contests.
7. Fred Durst and some random girl
This video came out in 2005 when Fred’s cell phone was hacked, although there was speculation at the time that Fred had leaked it himself. If so, it was a terrible call on his part. A solid 100 percent of the Internet commentary focused on Fred’s unimpressive length and girth. At least that explains why all of Limp Bizkit’s music was so angry.
6. Kid Rock and Scott Stapp of Creed with fake-breasted groupies
Our biggest problem isn’t watching these sad, sad women harlot themselves out for Kid Rock and Scott Stapp. Our biggest problem is that, after seeing this, how can we ever truly take the life-affirming Christian messages of Creed seriously?
5. Gene Simmons and a poor, misguided, young blonde woman
When you’ve reached the point in life where you feel the need to keep your shirt on during sex, you’ve reached the point in life where you should stop making sex tapes.
4. Dustin Diamond and two women from a bachelorette party
No one in the world needed to see Screech perform a Dirty Sanchez. Moves like that are not going to help you get Lisa to go with you to prom. It’s more of the kind of thing a low class scumbag like Jeff from the Max or Johnny Dakota would do.
3. Gina Lee Nolin and her (now ex-)husband, Greg Fahlman
Clips of this are easy to find online. We guarantee you will say the same thing that every single person we know said when they watched the video: “What the hell is wrong with Gina Lee Nolin’s breasts?” (According to her spokesman, this tape was made right after one of her three breast-enhancement surgeries, so we guess they were still settling in?)
2. Verne Troyer and his ex-girlfriend
We’ve got no problem with little people in porn. Frankly, it can be kind of hot. But this tape isn’t disgusting because Mini-Me is a little person. It’s gross because… well, in a vacuum, he’s really, really weird looking. The tape feels like this pretty hot girl is getting it on with the love child of Benjamin Button and “Lost’s” John Locke.
1. Chyna and Sean “X-Pac” Waltman
There’s an image from this video floating around on the Internet. We’re not going to link to it because that would mean we have to look at it again. It’s a close-up shot from between Chyna’s legs and… well… while technically a gynecologist would identify it as a clitoris, its massive size is more than enough to make Fred Durst jealous.
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