The tabloid magazines love it when two actresses where the same dress within days of one another, they love it so much they want to marry it and make it a regular feature called Who Wore It Best? Or something like that. But what if the tabs have it all wrong? What if these famous ladies aren’t making a fashion faux-pas, but rather a fashion pay-it-forward? This is the story of…The Sisterhood of the Traveling Slutty Dress.
Not to be confused with the Ya-Ya’s or the Jeans ladies. No, no. Not these lady folk, who prefer to share one high-fashion slutty dress, sending it to the next member of the sisterhood when she feels most in need of looking slutty. It begins, where all needs for a dress that reveals skin in places where you don’t expect a dress to need to show off skin, with a member of Dancing With the Stars (ballroom princesses of classy sluttywear!).
So Cheryl Burke definitely had the dress first. She seems so naturally OK with this situation full of slits, because this is her natural attire.
But one day she gets a call from Heather Graham. A very hungover Graham is late for the red carpet premiere of The Hangover, and she doesn’t have a thing to wear that doesn’t already draw attention to her nipples. So Cheryl puts her slitty slutty dress in the overnight mail, and presto change-o!
Despite boasting some bigger curves than Cheryl, Heather rollergirl’s her way right into the dress. Everyone loves it, loves her, loves the movie. Crisis averted. Until the phone rings…
Heather’s protege, Kristin Cavallari calls in a panic, almost unable to breathe. “Heather!” she cries. “I’m going back on MTV because I have no other career options. You know what that’s like, so you’re the only one who can help me get back into the public eye. Please???” Heather gladly obliges, and sends the dress her way.
Any normal person would have thought Heather had stretched the dress out too much for Kristin, but voila, look at her. Lovely. You almost could picture her on TV, or at least in your bed.
Just then, when she felt it was safe to go out in public again, Kristin’s worst fears come true. Not an actual shark, but the new 21st century version of a “reality” TV shark, aka Heidi Montag Pratt, smells blood in the water. Or in the air. It’s a female thing. And she has her evil darkload d-bag Spencer Pratt swipe the dress from Kristin when she’s not looking.
Oh, who were we kidding. Heidi Pratt’s every move is calculated by an MTV calculator. Note: MTV’s calculators only have $ buttons. Heidi Pratt may sing like a drowned cat, but she dresses up nicely — just look at her and don’t let her speak, and you’ll be fine. But hear her once, and your memory is doomed to remember it.
Which is why Heidi, having abused the dress, tries to take it to the designer boutique to return it for cash, puzzled that no one believes her that she bought it. What, she needs a receipt? She’s Heidi Pratt. Jesus bought it for her! The boutique winds up with the dress, just to make Heidi go away, and gets it off of its hands as quickly as possible when model Doutzen Kroes walks in and seems to take a liking to it. “It’s brand-new, right?” Doutzen asks. “Sure! Sure!” And that’s how Doutzen winds up on a red carpet, oblivious to the fact that she is now part of the sisterhood…
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Slutty Dress.
This endeth the lesson.
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