This summer, Woody Allen isn’t forcing us to see him woo a pretty young thing on film again — no, no, this time, he’s letting us imagine a nubile young actress (Evan Rachel Wood) wanting to enjoy the company of Larry David. Yes. That Larry David. Whatever Works, right? New York mag just profiled these high-profile schlubs in advance of the film’s opening June 19.
So, on this last day of May, let us remember the most ridiculous May-December romances that Hollywood has forced upon us, both real and imaginary (and in some cases, we may even think the real relationships are, in fact, imaginary!). Here are 10 from the movies that you may need to bone up on, so to speak.
Blame It On Rio (1984)
The film’s stars included a pre-implant Demi Moore getting topless, but it’s the romance between Michelle Johnson (17 at the time of filming!?) and Michael Caine, who was (and is) 32 years older than her. So she was 17. He was 49. And they were in love. Blame it on Rio, indeed!
Beautiful Girls (1996)
Timothy Hutton’s character comes back to his hometown and decides he’d rather hang out with Natalie Portman than with his longtime girlfriend. Did we mention that, in 1996, Hutton was 36 and Portman was 15? Now we did.
Husbands and Wives (1992)
Woody Allen earns the affections of one Juliette Lewis. Age difference: 38 years! Of course, this was just a wee bit overshadowed by the fact that Woody was making love — and headlines — with Soon-Yi. Coincidentally or not (not), also a 38-year age difference in real life.
Last Tango in Paris (1972-73)
Would you like to see Marlon Brando have sex with a young European thing? No. How about really simulated sex? Still no. Maria Schneider was barely 20, and yet a full 28 years younger than big ol’ Brando.
Lost in Translation (2003)
Scarlett Johansson was still a teen, playing a disaffected bride in Japan who falls for the charms of actor Bill Murray, despite the fact that he was/is 34 years older than her. We were all spellbound trying to figure out what he whispered in her ears. And yet, we should have been calling up Dateline.
Shopgirl (2005)
Steve Martin and Claire Danes. Martin wrote the novel on which the movie was based, so at least he knew of what he was speaking, falling for a shopgirl who was 34 years younger than he. That doesn’t make it right. Is this how you’re supposed to ask out a kid for a date?
Class (1983)
Andrew McCarthy and Jacqueline Bisset. The 1980s had plenty of teen sex romps on the big screen that promised young men the opportunity to have a hot older woman seduce him (see: Private Lessons, My Tutor). Those were fantasy worlds away from what seemed entirely plausible in our minds watching Bisset woo her son’s prep-school roommate, McCarthy. What’s 18 years, right? Oh, that’s right. A generation.
The Graduate (1967)
Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft really did take this whole genre out of the “Lolita” complex and into the realms of possibility, at least on screen. So should we thank them or blame them?
Harold and Maude (1971)
Bud Cort and Ruth Gordon starred in what is called a cult comedy, because if you can believe that this kid and that elderly lady should be hooking up, then you belong to a cult.
Birth (2004)
Nicole Kidman and Cameron Bright. Kate Winslet may have won the Oscar this year for getting creepy naked in front of a teen boy, but that seemed almost natural coming four years after Kidman thought a 10-year-old boy might be the reincarnation of her dead husband. Even writing that sentence creeped us out. Enjoy!
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