Right before the holiday weekend, we learned that a kid named Mark Hammer had been hired to pen the screenplay for a “Bazooka Joe” movie. And you’re thinking, Bazooka Joe? Isn’t that the perennially unfunny comic strip that comes with a piece of chewing gum? Correctamundo.
But if you’d been following Hollywood as we follow Hollywood, then you remember that this has been a pipe dream for years for one Mr. Michael Eisner. The guy who ran Disney for years said this two years ago: “Bazooka Joe could be the next big hero. I’m not saying it’s going to be Raiders of the Lost Ark,” which he oversaw as CEO of Paramount Pictures. “But that would be the goal. Bazooka Joe is my new Mickey Mouse.” Remember: Eisner is talking about making this guy a star…
Right.
This never works. The funny pages may give people of all ages a chuckle, but they do not have much luck at the box office when they’re turned into live-action flicks. Here are some reminders.
Popeye: We have fond memories of seeing this movie in the theaters in 1980, and yet, Robin Williams as the spinach-eating sailor man could not save this sinking ship of a film. It is what it is: A majorly classic fail.
Dick Tracy: Did someone say let’s make a caper with Warren Beatty and Madonna as his muse, with Al Pacino and Dustin Hoffman covered up in makeup? Was this supposed to be funny? Suspenseful? Romantic? We’re still not sure. Roll it!
Dennis the Menace: Not even Walter Matthau can make up for the Smash Mouth treatment of this classic funny page strip of a kid who cannot seem to get out of his own way causing trouble and mischief for the elderly neighbor.
Cathy: This SNL segment with Andy Samberg is probably the only time that “Cathy” has been funny. So please don’t make us watch an entire movie about her. Thank you!
Garfield: They actually made two of these movies this decade already. With Bill Murray providing the voice. And yet…
Brenda Starr: This 1989 movie sat on the shelf for three years, because not even Brooke Shields, a James Bond (Timothy Dalton) and a crazy lady delivering “I’ll Be Back” in Ahnold-speak could get us to watch this movie. Or even embed the trailer (YouTube has its limits!).
The Phantom: Someone took the trouble to try to sell us on this 1996 “action-adventure” starring Billy Zane as The Phantom. We do like Catherine Zeta-Jones (before she married the old guy) and Kristy Swanson, though. It’s like Indiana Jones, but with a guy in a skintight suit. Remember: This video is from a fan, and even the fans says: These are the best parts of the movie.
Flash Gordon: OK. You know what? Nobody seemed to want to go see Flash, the savior of the universe, in the cinemas. But we did. And we loved it. And if it’s ever on TV, we’ll see it. Call it: So horrible it’s awesome. Horribly awesome. Also, thanks to Queen for the best theme song ever:
The Spirit: Was this a comic strip or a comic book? Does Eva Mendes really get naked? The movie tanked. But we just enjoyed seeing Eva Mendes. Did we mention Eva Mendes?
Buck Rogers: An astronaut winds up 500 years in the future, and only Dr. Theo, Twiki, some hubba-hubbas, and Erin Grey providing plenty of extra hubba-hubba could keep this on TV for more than one season.
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