The 80’s was a sterile and painful decade full of plastic personas and pinkishly bad shoes. We were brought in wearing bell bottoms and exited in dirty flannel. Somewhere in the middle we were exposed to a handful of torture brought on by a select few. Those few are 7, 7 of the people responsible for making the 80s suck. Who are they? They are these… these are the 7. This.
7. Paula Poundstone – The 80’s was the incubator for most of the good comedy you watched in the 90s to present day. But unfortunately we had to sift through a gaggle of horrid comics to find the gems. Clubs were in such a scramble to find a fresh female comic they gave HBO specials to anyone with boobies and a 5 minute set on PMS. The only problem when they kept giving Poundstone camera time is they didn’t realize she was far more manly than most of the men on stage, and she wasn’t funny. Like Dane Cook with a beard.
6. Hall and Oates – In a way, making fun of Hall & Oates feels unsportsmanlike. Kind of like shooting fish in a barrel but it doesn’t excuse them from the list. Childlike lyrics and lame song premises, we feel dumber for listening to their music. When we hear ‘Maneater” we wanna grow a manly mustache and share our feelings with our friends. (BTW, we are aware they are actually 2 people but I think they shared a penis.)
5. Jim Davis – Garfield was the orange merchandising turd that creator Jim Davis pooped out every Sunday in newspapers around the world, traumatizing millions with his bland humor week after tragic week. Each panel was painfully unfunny and our cars were plastered with stupid orange cats on suction cups for almost a decade. Damn you Davis, damn you to Hell!
4. Mr. T – Each piece of gold around his neck represented another part of his tiny soul he sold to the Beelzebub. He was the first, and unfortunately last person to believe his own hype. Mr. T plastered his face anywhere that could give him a shiny dollar and littered our fine planet with Mohawks and muscle shirts. Were we all that desperate to have a black friend we took the first one with his own Saturday Morning cartoon?
3. Jackée Harry – Famous for being obnoxious on an unpopular sitcom, she road the Sell Out Train to Ernestville and took it first class. I don’t know why FranDreschersexonomics was so popular doing that time and why so many people were buying stock, but it was a striving force in what make the 80’s ultraly unsexy.
2. Ronald Reagan – Though society was full of superficial and plastic people who cared more about personal possessions than family values, there never was a President so out of touch with the everyday man. The damage from Reaganomics has toxificed our national bloodline for years to come. The political retardation his era spawned is still haunting us today. He made many an American a Democrat, but man did he inspire some great hardcore punk. Huzzah!
1. Steve Guttenberg – Shame on you Hollywood, shame on you!
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